CHARACTERS
Misfero
Farnaby
Sequester
Rapscallion
a suitcase
ACT I
An old country bridge. A tree.
Dusk.
Misfero, sitting on a suitcase, is trying to take off his face paint. He wipes at it with a cloth, contorting his face. He pauses, spits on the cloth, and continues rubbing at his face. The paint doesn't seem to want to come off.
Enter Farnaby, stage right.
MISFERO: (spitting again). It's no use.
FARNABY: (approaching one step at a time, only advancing with the right foot, head angled toward the ground). I'm now convinced there's no other way. All my life I've tried to put my best foot forward, saying, Farnaby, don't worry about the other foot, it's the one you lead with that matters. (He pauses, finally noticing Misfero, the suitcase, and the dilapidated bridge.) Why are you sitting on that suitcase?
MISFERO: It doesn't seem to mind.
FARNABY: I'm glad to see you stopped. I don't know if I told you, but it takes me a while to get from place to place. And what's more, that paint was beginning to run. Are we almost there?
MISFERO: (thumbing over his shoulder). It's just over this bridge. (He wads the cloth, spits in it, wads it again and continues rubbing his face, eyes fixed on Farnaby.)
FARNABY: (struggles for a moment to stand tip-toe). I can almost see it!
MISFERO: (exasperatedly). Can I ask if you have a mirror?
FARNABY: I don't. Why don't you have a look in your suitcase?
MISFERO: This isn't mine. It was by the bridge when I arrived.
FARNABY: Well then let's have a look. (He offers his hand.) I'll help you up.
MISFERO: Not now, not... I'm using it.
FARNABY: (perplexed, then resigned). Well w- (feigns a cough). Well I suppose the right thing to do is sit on it instead of opening it. What if there were something awful in it? (He laughs.)
MISFERO: (smiling, rubbing his forehead). Yeah, what if.
FARNABY: You missed a bit.
MISFERO: (frowning, still rubbing his forehead). If I could see it I might be able to do something about it.
FARNABY: I could help you if you like. Do you remember when we met?
MISFERO: Vaguely.
FARNABY: You were sitting on a suitcase very much like that one, on the side of the entrance to a bridge very much like this one, not so long ago.
MISFERO: That seems right so far.
FARNABY: It was yesterday, I think. Or perhaps the day before. I was thinking to myself, out loud, what is the best way to go about going from place to place, and then I noticed you. You were sitting on a suitcase.
MISFERO: All right but the time. It was three days ago. (He pockets the cloth and stands on wobbly feet, patting the suitcase to thank it for support. He gains his balance and looks off to the left, in the direction of the bridge.) I think there's someone coming.
Enter Sequester, stage left.
SEQUESTER: (officiously). Hullo, travelers! It is my duty to inform you that effective in the coming days the bridge you see before you will be temporarily removed in order to make it a faster and more efficient means of travel to your chosen destination. By traveling this road, and by extension this particular crossing, you indicate your consent to follow all posted rules and regulations concerning the crossing of said bridge and to inform members of your party or group of these rules and to hold them accountable for their actions while both using the services provided by the bridge and being members of said group. Please be sure to pause and regard the posted signs for an appreciable amount of time when they are restored with the bridge itself in the morning. Nightly accommodation is not provided by the bridge, but leaflets showcasing local B&B's may be found littering the ground around you. Thank you for your cooperation, and we hope to see you soon!
Exeunt Sequester, stage left.
FARNABY: Well, that was odd. (He looks off to the right.) I also think there's someone coming.
Enter Rapscallion, stage right. He pauses every few steps to pick something up from the ground, approaching the bridge. He pauses, bends over, picks up something the audience cannot see, and shuffles them into his hands.
RAPSCALLION: (without looking up). You guys asked for a leaflet?
MISFERO: No.
FARNABY: Yes.
MISFERO: (to Farnaby). We didn't really.
FARNABY: (to Misfero). What if we need one? That other man sounded pretty officious. (to Rapscallion). We'll take two.
RAPSCALLION: How many?
FARNABY: Two, please.
RAPSCALLION: Alright, that'll be two leaflets. They're free, but I do charge for the pick-up service.
MISFERO: You mean the service of you picking them up off the ground?
RAPSCALLION: (nods). That.
MISFERO: And how much is the pick-up service?
RAPSCALLION: Two coin per leaflet. The other kid used to charge one whole coin per leaflet, and didn't even factor in the pick-up service. My way is much better for travelers since they don't have to worry about paying for things to carry with them. No wondering why I haven't seen him around in a while.
FARNABY: I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.
RAPSCALLION: Precisely. You're also encouraged to throw these on the ground when you're done with them. For charity.
MISFERO: For what?
RAPSCALLION: As a way of saying thanks. It lightens the load you have to carry with you. At least that's my understanding of how it works.
FARNABY: (Handing Rapscallion two coins). Oh, well if it's for charity... We'll take just one leaflet to share. That way there will be some left for others to discard.
Rapscallion looks at the coins in his hand, then looks back at Farnaby. He looks down at his hand again, then back up at Misfero, then Farnaby, then Misfero again, who rolls his eyes at him. He pockets the coins, turns around without a word, shuffling leaflets and throwing them on the ground with each step on his way to exit stage right.
MISFERO: (Sitting back on the suitcase). If I'd known you had coins we could have taken the bus.
FARNABY: Shall we? I get two a day.
MISFERO: (pleasantly). Yes, let's. (meanly). Then when we get there, you'll have saved up enough to get two leaflets to throw away.
FARNABY: If that's the way you're going to talk, maybe it's better we don't call ourselves friends. Besides, the more you have, the worse it gets.
MISFERO: Fine by me. (He crosses his arms and looks off toward the bridge.)
FARNABY: Fine! (He stomps off a few steps, and stops.)
MISFERO: (A breathing sigh). Look, it's just that the bridge is much faster. For someone who prides himself on being careful, you do make some pretty ignorant decisions.
FARNABY: I don't care. At least I did something, which is more than I can say for some acquaintances of mine who can't even get the paint off their face. When are we supposed to arrive, anyway?
MISFERO: (giving up). We'll be there by tomorrow, at least. (He takes the cloth back out of his pocket, spits on it, and starts to rub his chin.)
SUITCASE: Can you take me with you?
Misfero jumps, alarmed. Farnaby looks around to see if he can see anyone. He peers, squinting in one direction, then another, then over the audience's heads. Unable to see anyone, he turns to see Misfero looking down at the suitcase.
FARNABY: Did you hear something?
MISFERO: (pointing at the suitcase). It came from in there.
FARNABY: (to the suitcase). Is anyone in there?
SUITCASE: Yes, I am.
FARNABY: Are you all right? My friend's not too heavy, is he?
MISFERO: Oh, so now we're friends.
SUITCASE: No. And he's not heavy at all. (a slight pause.) Is he gone?
MISFERO: Is who gone?
SUITCASE: The one with the imaginary leaflets.
FARNABY: Him? Oh yes, he's left. (motions with arm to stage right.)
MISFERO: Why, are you scared of him? Is that why you're in the suitcase?
SUITCASE: (muffled). You didn't give him real coins, did you?
MISFERO: Say what?
SUITCASE: (loudly, still muffled). You didn't give him real coins, did you?
MISFERO: I don't know, it was my friend's money. Does that count?
FARNABY: (elbowing Misfero in the ribs). Don't listen to him. Of course they weren't real coins. What are you doing in a suitcase?
SUITCASE: Waiting to get picked up. I hear this is the bridge that gets you there. Problem is, I don't have wheels. Or legs.
MISFERO: (grabs Farnaby by the shoulder, whispers). I don't think he's in the suitcase. I think he is the suitcase.
SUITCASE: What's that you're saying?
MISFERO: Oh, nothing. I was just saying to my friend that it's getting late, and we'd best be on our way. The bridge should be back up tomorrow, so we're going to head down to the bed and breakfast this leaflet mentions. (He grabs Farnaby's arm and starts walking off). If you're here tomorrow, or when we come back, we'll figure something out. That of course depends on whether the bridge is up, and if it's working.
Exit Misfero, followed by Farnaby, stage right.
SUITCASE: Well, that was odd.
Next day. Same time.
Same place.
Misfero, sitting on a suitcase, is trying to take off his face paint. He wipes at it with a cloth, contorting his face. He pauses, spits on the cloth, and continues rubbing at his face. The paint doesn't seem to want to come off. A second suitcase, nearly identical to the first, sits nearby.
Enter Farnaby, stage right.
MISFERO: (spitting again). This is hopeless.
FARNABY: (approaching one step at a time, only advancing with the left foot, head angled toward the background). That's exactly what I've been saying. They say you've got to try new things. You can't keep going about things the exact same way, or you'll get the same thing in return. (Stopping in front of Misfero). And guess what!
MISFERO: (Completely ignores him, continuing to rub his face).
FARNABY: Well come on, guess!
MISFERO: You found your suitcase?
FARNABY: (beaming). I got three coins today!
MISFERO: Lucky you. (gestures toward the other suitcase). Have a seat.
FARNABY: Thanks very much. (sits, palms folded on lap, smiling like a fool). Where'd you find it?
MISFERO: It was by the bridge when I arrived. Say... (pausing to contemplate). If you now have three coins, and the fare for the bus is one coin per person or item, then how are we all going to get across if we're now four?
FARNABY: That's a good question.
MISFERO: One of us could wait a day. And since you're the one with the coins...
FARNABY: No, that'll never work. You know why?
MISFERO: Why?
FARNABY: This isn't my suitcase. And that's not yours. So in essence, we'd be paying fare for something imaginary. With imaginary coins, I might add.
MISFERO: (Standing up). I think I hear someone coming.
No one comes. Misfero sits again, frowns, looks down at the suitcase, then spits on the cloth and starts rubbing his face again.
MISFERO: How does it look now?
FARNABY: It looks the same.
MISFERO: (satisfied). Then we're ready. (He puts away the cloth, folds his hands on his lap, and waits).
SUITCASE: I get to go with you this time, right?
Misfero, sitting on the speaking suitcase, looks at Farnaby. Farnaby looks at Misfero. They nod.
MISFERO: Of course, of course. We'll take you this time.
FARNABY: This time we'll even get you a pair of eyes so you can see. And legs to walk on! Or at the very least some wheels.
SUITCASE: Oh, how nice. I'm really looking forward to being seen with you.
Farnaby and Misfero look at each other and grin.
MISFERO: Should we watch the sun set one last time from here before we go?
FARNABY: Yes, let's.
Misfero and Farnaby stand and walk toward the center of the stage, facing the backdrop. While they're not looking, Rapscallion enters from stage right, crosses silently, holding up a hushing finger to the audience, picks up the two suitcases and exits over the bridge, stage left.
Enter Sequester, stage left.
SEQUESTER: If I could have your attention, please.
Misfero and Farnaby appear not to notice, and continue looking at the sunset.
SEQUESTER: (solemnly). Thank you for your kind attention. We have been made aware that certain intolerable and illegal acts of cruelty have transpired on this bridge between Immediate Success and Unending Failure, and thus have decided to end the service so as not to mislead into misfortune the misinformed masses that gather and mingle here. This bridge is scheduled to be demolished once taken down for the night, and will alas not be re-erected in the morning. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused to you and your group of travelers. Please accept as a small token of our regret the many pamphlets and leaflets scattered about the landscape which contain maps to nearby bridges in the area where you may, perchance, cross to Immediate Success. We wish all weary travelers the best of luck.
Exit Sequester stage left. A single gunshot is heard.
FARNABY: Well, I still have two coins left. Do you want to just take the bus?
MISFERO: Save them. I parked us just around the bend.
FARNABY: All right then. I'll just go wait in the car.
Farnaby takes a deep breath, and walks off stage right. Misfero takes a cloth out of his pocket, spits into it, and begins to rub his face.
FARNABY: (approaching one step at a time, only advancing with the right foot, head angled toward the ground). I'm now convinced there's no other way. All my life I've tried to put my best foot forward, saying, Farnaby, don't worry about the other foot, it's the one you lead with that matters. (He pauses, finally noticing Misfero, the suitcase, and the dilapidated bridge.) Why are you sitting on that suitcase?
MISFERO: It doesn't seem to mind.
FARNABY: I'm glad to see you stopped. I don't know if I told you, but it takes me a while to get from place to place. And what's more, that paint was beginning to run. Are we almost there?
MISFERO: (thumbing over his shoulder). It's just over this bridge. (He wads the cloth, spits in it, wads it again and continues rubbing his face, eyes fixed on Farnaby.)
FARNABY: (struggles for a moment to stand tip-toe). I can almost see it!
MISFERO: (exasperatedly). Can I ask if you have a mirror?
FARNABY: I don't. Why don't you have a look in your suitcase?
MISFERO: This isn't mine. It was by the bridge when I arrived.
FARNABY: Well then let's have a look. (He offers his hand.) I'll help you up.
MISFERO: Not now, not... I'm using it.
FARNABY: (perplexed, then resigned). Well w- (feigns a cough). Well I suppose the right thing to do is sit on it instead of opening it. What if there were something awful in it? (He laughs.)
MISFERO: (smiling, rubbing his forehead). Yeah, what if.
FARNABY: You missed a bit.
MISFERO: (frowning, still rubbing his forehead). If I could see it I might be able to do something about it.
FARNABY: I could help you if you like. Do you remember when we met?
MISFERO: Vaguely.
FARNABY: You were sitting on a suitcase very much like that one, on the side of the entrance to a bridge very much like this one, not so long ago.
MISFERO: That seems right so far.
FARNABY: It was yesterday, I think. Or perhaps the day before. I was thinking to myself, out loud, what is the best way to go about going from place to place, and then I noticed you. You were sitting on a suitcase.
MISFERO: All right but the time. It was three days ago. (He pockets the cloth and stands on wobbly feet, patting the suitcase to thank it for support. He gains his balance and looks off to the left, in the direction of the bridge.) I think there's someone coming.
Enter Sequester, stage left.
SEQUESTER: (officiously). Hullo, travelers! It is my duty to inform you that effective in the coming days the bridge you see before you will be temporarily removed in order to make it a faster and more efficient means of travel to your chosen destination. By traveling this road, and by extension this particular crossing, you indicate your consent to follow all posted rules and regulations concerning the crossing of said bridge and to inform members of your party or group of these rules and to hold them accountable for their actions while both using the services provided by the bridge and being members of said group. Please be sure to pause and regard the posted signs for an appreciable amount of time when they are restored with the bridge itself in the morning. Nightly accommodation is not provided by the bridge, but leaflets showcasing local B&B's may be found littering the ground around you. Thank you for your cooperation, and we hope to see you soon!
Exeunt Sequester, stage left.
FARNABY: Well, that was odd. (He looks off to the right.) I also think there's someone coming.
Enter Rapscallion, stage right. He pauses every few steps to pick something up from the ground, approaching the bridge. He pauses, bends over, picks up something the audience cannot see, and shuffles them into his hands.
RAPSCALLION: (without looking up). You guys asked for a leaflet?
MISFERO: No.
FARNABY: Yes.
MISFERO: (to Farnaby). We didn't really.
FARNABY: (to Misfero). What if we need one? That other man sounded pretty officious. (to Rapscallion). We'll take two.
RAPSCALLION: How many?
FARNABY: Two, please.
RAPSCALLION: Alright, that'll be two leaflets. They're free, but I do charge for the pick-up service.
MISFERO: You mean the service of you picking them up off the ground?
RAPSCALLION: (nods). That.
MISFERO: And how much is the pick-up service?
RAPSCALLION: Two coin per leaflet. The other kid used to charge one whole coin per leaflet, and didn't even factor in the pick-up service. My way is much better for travelers since they don't have to worry about paying for things to carry with them. No wondering why I haven't seen him around in a while.
FARNABY: I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.
RAPSCALLION: Precisely. You're also encouraged to throw these on the ground when you're done with them. For charity.
MISFERO: For what?
RAPSCALLION: As a way of saying thanks. It lightens the load you have to carry with you. At least that's my understanding of how it works.
FARNABY: (Handing Rapscallion two coins). Oh, well if it's for charity... We'll take just one leaflet to share. That way there will be some left for others to discard.
Rapscallion looks at the coins in his hand, then looks back at Farnaby. He looks down at his hand again, then back up at Misfero, then Farnaby, then Misfero again, who rolls his eyes at him. He pockets the coins, turns around without a word, shuffling leaflets and throwing them on the ground with each step on his way to exit stage right.
MISFERO: (Sitting back on the suitcase). If I'd known you had coins we could have taken the bus.
FARNABY: Shall we? I get two a day.
MISFERO: (pleasantly). Yes, let's. (meanly). Then when we get there, you'll have saved up enough to get two leaflets to throw away.
FARNABY: If that's the way you're going to talk, maybe it's better we don't call ourselves friends. Besides, the more you have, the worse it gets.
MISFERO: Fine by me. (He crosses his arms and looks off toward the bridge.)
FARNABY: Fine! (He stomps off a few steps, and stops.)
MISFERO: (A breathing sigh). Look, it's just that the bridge is much faster. For someone who prides himself on being careful, you do make some pretty ignorant decisions.
FARNABY: I don't care. At least I did something, which is more than I can say for some acquaintances of mine who can't even get the paint off their face. When are we supposed to arrive, anyway?
MISFERO: (giving up). We'll be there by tomorrow, at least. (He takes the cloth back out of his pocket, spits on it, and starts to rub his chin.)
SUITCASE: Can you take me with you?
Misfero jumps, alarmed. Farnaby looks around to see if he can see anyone. He peers, squinting in one direction, then another, then over the audience's heads. Unable to see anyone, he turns to see Misfero looking down at the suitcase.
FARNABY: Did you hear something?
MISFERO: (pointing at the suitcase). It came from in there.
FARNABY: (to the suitcase). Is anyone in there?
SUITCASE: Yes, I am.
FARNABY: Are you all right? My friend's not too heavy, is he?
MISFERO: Oh, so now we're friends.
SUITCASE: No. And he's not heavy at all. (a slight pause.) Is he gone?
MISFERO: Is who gone?
SUITCASE: The one with the imaginary leaflets.
FARNABY: Him? Oh yes, he's left. (motions with arm to stage right.)
MISFERO: Why, are you scared of him? Is that why you're in the suitcase?
SUITCASE: (muffled). You didn't give him real coins, did you?
MISFERO: Say what?
SUITCASE: (loudly, still muffled). You didn't give him real coins, did you?
MISFERO: I don't know, it was my friend's money. Does that count?
FARNABY: (elbowing Misfero in the ribs). Don't listen to him. Of course they weren't real coins. What are you doing in a suitcase?
SUITCASE: Waiting to get picked up. I hear this is the bridge that gets you there. Problem is, I don't have wheels. Or legs.
MISFERO: (grabs Farnaby by the shoulder, whispers). I don't think he's in the suitcase. I think he is the suitcase.
SUITCASE: What's that you're saying?
MISFERO: Oh, nothing. I was just saying to my friend that it's getting late, and we'd best be on our way. The bridge should be back up tomorrow, so we're going to head down to the bed and breakfast this leaflet mentions. (He grabs Farnaby's arm and starts walking off). If you're here tomorrow, or when we come back, we'll figure something out. That of course depends on whether the bridge is up, and if it's working.
Exit Misfero, followed by Farnaby, stage right.
SUITCASE: Well, that was odd.
Curtain
ACT II
Next day. Same time.
Same place.
Misfero, sitting on a suitcase, is trying to take off his face paint. He wipes at it with a cloth, contorting his face. He pauses, spits on the cloth, and continues rubbing at his face. The paint doesn't seem to want to come off. A second suitcase, nearly identical to the first, sits nearby.
Enter Farnaby, stage right.
MISFERO: (spitting again). This is hopeless.
FARNABY: (approaching one step at a time, only advancing with the left foot, head angled toward the background). That's exactly what I've been saying. They say you've got to try new things. You can't keep going about things the exact same way, or you'll get the same thing in return. (Stopping in front of Misfero). And guess what!
MISFERO: (Completely ignores him, continuing to rub his face).
FARNABY: Well come on, guess!
MISFERO: You found your suitcase?
FARNABY: (beaming). I got three coins today!
MISFERO: Lucky you. (gestures toward the other suitcase). Have a seat.
FARNABY: Thanks very much. (sits, palms folded on lap, smiling like a fool). Where'd you find it?
MISFERO: It was by the bridge when I arrived. Say... (pausing to contemplate). If you now have three coins, and the fare for the bus is one coin per person or item, then how are we all going to get across if we're now four?
FARNABY: That's a good question.
MISFERO: One of us could wait a day. And since you're the one with the coins...
FARNABY: No, that'll never work. You know why?
MISFERO: Why?
FARNABY: This isn't my suitcase. And that's not yours. So in essence, we'd be paying fare for something imaginary. With imaginary coins, I might add.
MISFERO: (Standing up). I think I hear someone coming.
No one comes. Misfero sits again, frowns, looks down at the suitcase, then spits on the cloth and starts rubbing his face again.
MISFERO: How does it look now?
FARNABY: It looks the same.
MISFERO: (satisfied). Then we're ready. (He puts away the cloth, folds his hands on his lap, and waits).
SUITCASE: I get to go with you this time, right?
Misfero, sitting on the speaking suitcase, looks at Farnaby. Farnaby looks at Misfero. They nod.
MISFERO: Of course, of course. We'll take you this time.
FARNABY: This time we'll even get you a pair of eyes so you can see. And legs to walk on! Or at the very least some wheels.
SUITCASE: Oh, how nice. I'm really looking forward to being seen with you.
Farnaby and Misfero look at each other and grin.
MISFERO: Should we watch the sun set one last time from here before we go?
FARNABY: Yes, let's.
Misfero and Farnaby stand and walk toward the center of the stage, facing the backdrop. While they're not looking, Rapscallion enters from stage right, crosses silently, holding up a hushing finger to the audience, picks up the two suitcases and exits over the bridge, stage left.
Enter Sequester, stage left.
SEQUESTER: If I could have your attention, please.
Misfero and Farnaby appear not to notice, and continue looking at the sunset.
SEQUESTER: (solemnly). Thank you for your kind attention. We have been made aware that certain intolerable and illegal acts of cruelty have transpired on this bridge between Immediate Success and Unending Failure, and thus have decided to end the service so as not to mislead into misfortune the misinformed masses that gather and mingle here. This bridge is scheduled to be demolished once taken down for the night, and will alas not be re-erected in the morning. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused to you and your group of travelers. Please accept as a small token of our regret the many pamphlets and leaflets scattered about the landscape which contain maps to nearby bridges in the area where you may, perchance, cross to Immediate Success. We wish all weary travelers the best of luck.
Exit Sequester stage left. A single gunshot is heard.
FARNABY: Well, I still have two coins left. Do you want to just take the bus?
MISFERO: Save them. I parked us just around the bend.
FARNABY: All right then. I'll just go wait in the car.
Farnaby takes a deep breath, and walks off stage right. Misfero takes a cloth out of his pocket, spits into it, and begins to rub his face.
Curtain
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